Monday, May 3, 2010

Can I just be me?

This post will be so candid that I'm not sure that I will post it. Call it an official "journal entry." I may just lock it in my drawer.

I have spent the last ten months working in a public school. It is the first time in six years that I have officially had a job. I've worked in media for years and years, but it was more of a voluntary position. Besides, my bosses were my family.

I took a job in a less "protected" environment and let me say that these past ten months have been really insightful. I have learned a lot about many things, but most of all- I've learned about myself.

-and how much I care about what other people think of me.

You wouldn't think that I have such insecurities by watching my youtube videos. In fact, a coworker told me that its like I'm two different people. The truth behind the comment had a sting that still pains me. Nevertheless, you will notice that I have not made anymore videos since I started working. That's because my confidence has been hit in the gut.

You see, where I came from, I used to be somewhat important. People appreciated me and admired me because of certain connections with some influential people. I suppose I took that for granted. I was used to calling the shots, to being in charge and being a role model.

Enter life change here-

I moved to another country (a whole three hours driving distance from home), left my friends and family behind, and took a job.

As a teacher aide.

I took a job that I was overqualified for in education and experience in order to pursue a calling and to continue raising my daughter. Our schedules would coincide, and we would be together all day.

I went from working as a TV director and radio producer to being a classroom assistant. I made many mistakes. I was treated in very humbling ways. Ways that I was not used to. Ways that hurt my pride and turned me into an insecure person.

My work situation hasn't been what I had envisioned. Nobody is throwing rose petals on the ground as I tread it. Nobody is coming up to me seeking advice or praising me for my genius. In fact, many people have made sure to cut me down. This is not something I had ever experienced.

Then I had an epiphany-

This is the PERFECT opportunity for me to find out what I'm truly made of. I heard a song say that "its in the moments that we think we cant when we find out that we CAN." I don't need to prove anything to anybody, so long as I prove it to myself. I don't have to live up to any body's measure but my own. I don't have to compromise on my faith and values just to fit. Quite frankly, I never will. I'm not in a protected atmosphere anymore- and that is just what I need.

I need to get rid of this approval addiction and get to the core of where I want to be. I want to help children with disabilities. I want to intervene and change their lives. I want to discover neuroplasticity. I want to change autism. I want to love children into their destiny. I want to put my vision to the test.

But my vision is so different from other's.

I have heard that I am too soft, too loving, too idealistic- and I have believed it. I intend to fight this. I refuse to let the masses drown out my visions, hopes and dreams. I don't want to just sit and accept someone else's values and ideals. I have my own! If I have to run into some walls and hit a couple of bumps along the way- so be it! The alternative is only complacent. I don't ever want to look back with regret simply because I followed the easy, convenient or popular choice.

So advice givers and opinion havers, thanks but-no thanks. I walk a different walk. I talk a different talk. I will live in eternal regret if I knowingly pass up my opportunity to be ground breaking. I'm not here to please a crowd. I'm here to follow God, and this is the route where I can smell His presence. Nobody has to understand it. Nobody has to like it. In the end, it is I and I alone who will have to live with my destiny.

I understand that it doesn't matter what I feel, so long as I do. I don't have to have a sudden surge of courage or inspiration to thrust me forward. As long as I keep heading in the direction of my goal- I will be facing my giants. All forward motion counts.

So, here I go. I'm letting go of my selfish desire to please and be loved as I pursue a calling. Not a job.

- oh. and I'm posting this. welcome to my secret drawer.