Saturday, October 2, 2010

It'll all make sense one day...

I was leafing through a journal of mine just a few hours ago (I have been writing letters to God since I was 13). I came across an entry that really impressed me, considering how life has come to unfold. I wrote this just a couple of months before leaving Mexico and moving to the United Sates:

April 10, 2008

I hung up the phone and started to cry. I don't know how many times this has repeated itself. I'm looking for a school for Katy, and once again, they rejected her before they even saw her.

"Special child," they label her. It hurts me so bad that they stick her in this category, and to add sting to the wound, they reject her without any consideration. And here I've been so proud of her and all her accomplishments! I have been so marvelled by her quick development. Nevertheless, they who have not lived even one minute with her- label and reject her.

I didn't want this for my baby!

But her doctor said something that is very true: better they be honest with me than lie and then not take propper care of my daughter. So, five minutes ago one more
school rejected Katy.

"We can only accept two special kids per class and we're full," the principal said.

I thanked her for her honesty, hung up and found a corner to cry.

(God) I ask you for a perfect place for Katy. Until that occurs, I am going to assume that the best teacher for Katy is me. That the best education she can recieve is the one she gets at home. That her needs are met right here.

Give me wisdom to seize every moment with her and give her and education specifically designed from heaven for her. You (God) design her curriculum, because only You know her completely- from past, to present, to future. Nobody knows the secrets to her mind better than you.

Teach me those secrets, and make me the best teacher in the world for my daughter.

For those of you who dont know it, in the last two years I have had a carreer change. I used to work all areas of communication (focusing heavily on television), but two years ago I became a teacher aide in a special education unit. The very same unit which my daughter assisted. I didnt seek this out. The position litterally found me. I was requested.

During the summer, I took the necessary exams to become special ed certified. I am now a special education teacher in a different school, but Katy has come along- and I am her teacher.

It is interesting how God orchestrates our life- if we let Him.

Isaac in CCI Orange County

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I know what I did last summer...

I went to EUROPE!

That's right, ladies and gentleman. No longer will you call me "Michelle the cowardly" for I braced my fears and had a fantastic vacation!

My husband is a musician and he had a tour through out Europe. He goes like twice a year and has always asked (begged) me to come. I would always say that Katy wasnt ready. Well, this year I decided to give it a shot.

She was a champ!

We road tripped through Europe with Isaac and his band, staying in different cities nearly every three days. This is a video of a road stall in Germany. We were stopped for nearly two hours, so Isaac and His band made the best of it:

Every moment was like this. Totally fun.

We were all over Germany, Denmark and France. I only made one video blog, and since Katy spilled coffee all over my powerbook mac, I suspect more videos will come waaaaay later....

Then, Katy and I had to fly back by ourselves because I had to get back to teaching (I am now a TEACHER for a special ed pre-k classroom called PPCD UNIT, but more on THOSE exciting news later), but Isaac still had ten days of touring to go.

To think I was afraid of traveling with all of Katy! I was afraid of her special PKU diet, as well as keeping her from screaming in frustration through the entire ordeal. But actually, she did better than me! It was no problem and I will definitely do it again!

Click here to view this photo book larger

Monday, May 3, 2010

Can I just be me?

This post will be so candid that I'm not sure that I will post it. Call it an official "journal entry." I may just lock it in my drawer.

I have spent the last ten months working in a public school. It is the first time in six years that I have officially had a job. I've worked in media for years and years, but it was more of a voluntary position. Besides, my bosses were my family.

I took a job in a less "protected" environment and let me say that these past ten months have been really insightful. I have learned a lot about many things, but most of all- I've learned about myself.

-and how much I care about what other people think of me.

You wouldn't think that I have such insecurities by watching my youtube videos. In fact, a coworker told me that its like I'm two different people. The truth behind the comment had a sting that still pains me. Nevertheless, you will notice that I have not made anymore videos since I started working. That's because my confidence has been hit in the gut.

You see, where I came from, I used to be somewhat important. People appreciated me and admired me because of certain connections with some influential people. I suppose I took that for granted. I was used to calling the shots, to being in charge and being a role model.

Enter life change here-

I moved to another country (a whole three hours driving distance from home), left my friends and family behind, and took a job.

As a teacher aide.

I took a job that I was overqualified for in education and experience in order to pursue a calling and to continue raising my daughter. Our schedules would coincide, and we would be together all day.

I went from working as a TV director and radio producer to being a classroom assistant. I made many mistakes. I was treated in very humbling ways. Ways that I was not used to. Ways that hurt my pride and turned me into an insecure person.

My work situation hasn't been what I had envisioned. Nobody is throwing rose petals on the ground as I tread it. Nobody is coming up to me seeking advice or praising me for my genius. In fact, many people have made sure to cut me down. This is not something I had ever experienced.

Then I had an epiphany-

This is the PERFECT opportunity for me to find out what I'm truly made of. I heard a song say that "its in the moments that we think we cant when we find out that we CAN." I don't need to prove anything to anybody, so long as I prove it to myself. I don't have to live up to any body's measure but my own. I don't have to compromise on my faith and values just to fit. Quite frankly, I never will. I'm not in a protected atmosphere anymore- and that is just what I need.

I need to get rid of this approval addiction and get to the core of where I want to be. I want to help children with disabilities. I want to intervene and change their lives. I want to discover neuroplasticity. I want to change autism. I want to love children into their destiny. I want to put my vision to the test.

But my vision is so different from other's.

I have heard that I am too soft, too loving, too idealistic- and I have believed it. I intend to fight this. I refuse to let the masses drown out my visions, hopes and dreams. I don't want to just sit and accept someone else's values and ideals. I have my own! If I have to run into some walls and hit a couple of bumps along the way- so be it! The alternative is only complacent. I don't ever want to look back with regret simply because I followed the easy, convenient or popular choice.

So advice givers and opinion havers, thanks but-no thanks. I walk a different walk. I talk a different talk. I will live in eternal regret if I knowingly pass up my opportunity to be ground breaking. I'm not here to please a crowd. I'm here to follow God, and this is the route where I can smell His presence. Nobody has to understand it. Nobody has to like it. In the end, it is I and I alone who will have to live with my destiny.

I understand that it doesn't matter what I feel, so long as I do. I don't have to have a sudden surge of courage or inspiration to thrust me forward. As long as I keep heading in the direction of my goal- I will be facing my giants. All forward motion counts.

So, here I go. I'm letting go of my selfish desire to please and be loved as I pursue a calling. Not a job.

- oh. and I'm posting this. welcome to my secret drawer.