Thursday, February 26, 2009

Psychoneurotic dog- the yelping episode

One day I will write the crazy story of how Cookie came to be a part of my family, but let me skip ahead to a hilarious moment of confusion- starring Cookie, as herself.


I was eight months pregnant, and Isaac was away on a trip. Cookie spent nearly 24 hours circling around the computer desk. Litterally, circle, circle, circle, circle- ad nauseum. Cookie had OCD (obsesive compulsive dissorder) issues, so I usually ignored it. Except this time there was YELPING. This is what the entire day sounded like:

pit.pat.pit.pat.pit.pat-



AURR! AUUUR!! AAAUUUURRR!


*whimper*



pit.pat.pit.pat.pit.pat-




AURR! AUUUR!! AAAUUUURRR!


*whimper*




pit.pat.pit.pat.pit.pat-



AURR! AUUUR!! AAAUUUURRR!


*whimper*



You get the picture. Since she was walking around the power strip to which all my computer gadgets were connected to, I wondered if there was some sort of electrical discharge coming from there. Of course, being eight months pregnant I was not about to touch the darn thing. Cookie would suffice as a lab rat.

"Look!" I pointed excitedly at the power strip "Cookie! Look!"

Cookie would press her black, wet nose right up against it. Sniff, sniff sniff-

No yelping. Now, I was very confused. I could see nothing else that could be provoquing all that doggy yelping. Still, my psychoneurotic dog continued with her stupid endevor.

pit.pat.pit.pat.pit.pat-



AURR! AUUUR!! AAAUUUURRR!


*whimper*



pit.pat.pit.pat.pit.pat-




AURR! AUUUR!! AAAUUUURRR!


*whimper*




pit.pat.pit.pat.pit.pat-



AURR! AUUUR!! AAAUUUURRR!


*whimper*



After a few hours, I decided to look at everything one more time. This time, I got down on the floor, belly and all, and watched Cookie do her stupid thing. I noticed that she always yelped on the same tile. When I finally looked at the tile, I discovered that it had a little tiny hole. Cookie was getting her toe nail stuck every time she walked over it, but that didnt stop her from circling and cicling. This went on all day and all night.

A week later, I had to move my desk and dicovered the motive of her obsession. An old tennis ball had rolled under the desk and she could not get it. I suppose that she figured running around in circles would help a great deal.

Dumb dog.

ps- this is me at about the same time in my pregnancy

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

So now its a SCORPION! (vlog)

EVERY time my husband goes away on a trip, a friggin freak of nature comes to my house. I suddenly find myself looking for the balls I never had in order to kill the darned beast and free my daughter from a potential threat. Ive dealt with centipedes, mice (dozens in a single weekend), and now this: a scorpion.

Uncool.

But you know me. I video taped the episode so nobody goes calling me a drama queen. This really happened people. Here is the proof:


--------------------------

I also recorded my MOUSE INCIDENT, and if you didnt catch it, here is the vlog (only three stars?! GEEWIZ! Rate it higher if you get a chance):

Monday, February 23, 2009

The day I was blacklisted...

I live very close to a telemarketer building. The place is as big as a mall, and has absolutely no windows. What happens inside is a total mystery. What I DO get to see is their little outside "patio." It looks more like those yards they put in prisons. It has two or three stone benches, concrete floor and is closed off with a chainlink fence. Whenever I drive by, I see the employees taking their much needed break. Mostly, they smoke or just sit there and shake.

Seeing them brought an old story to mind. Its way too unique not to share, so Im going to put you through my mysery. This happened a while ago, and if you followed me on MYSPACE you may already know the story:

A couple years ago, a danish friend of mine came over to my house for a quick visit. We were having a jolly ol' time when all of the sudden,

RRRIIIINNNGGG!

I picked up the phone, and heard a familiar voice

"I would like to speak to Mr. Joel Sanchez, please"

I could recognize that voice anywhere. It was Omar, my friend's husband. Omar and I have been playing practical jokes on each other for years. Phone pranks are a classic, so I just played along.

"No, sir. That person doesnt live here," I said

"Whom am I speaking with?"

"Michelle," I replied, almost in a sing song

"And, Michelle- where do you live?"
(ah! A little smarty pants...)

"Right here."

"Are you married?" He proceeded.


Now he was getting weird. Fine. I would just play along.


"Why do you want to know?" I wondered

"Its for my database. Are you married or single?"
(the nerve! )

"Well, let me ask you a number of questions. Whats your name?" I played along.

"I can’t disclose that information" he answered.

"Ah. I see. Well, then- perhaps you could tell me what company you are calling from." I commanded

"No, mam. Im here to ask the questions, not answer them. Now, are you single or married?" He proceeded

"Ill tell you what. Im going to give you an opportunity. This is a rare and unique offer that I, Michelle, grant to you, mysterious telemarketer, to tell me who you are. Now, Im going to give you three seconds. If by the time that I count to three, you do not disclose who you are, I will proceed to holler into the telephone at the top of my lungs. Is that clear?"

"Please mam, no games, just your complete name."

Oooooone......
"Marital status-"

Twoooooooooo.....
"Single or Marr-"

THREE!


AAaaaAaAaaAAaaaaHHhh!!!

After I ran out of breath, I threw the phone at my friend.


"Its your husband, " I said as I laughed.


Well, guess what?

It

Was

Not


Him

It turned out, that some guy had lived in the same house, years earlier and left a HUGE debt to a number of companies. This was a collection agency intending to intimidate anyone who would fork over the money.

After my little "joke" the man was furious. I mean furious. He threatened my friend, who frantically handed the phone to my husband. The conversation got pretty heated and ended with threats on both sides. The caller came in person to my house, and my husband called the police. Even though we were not at fault for this debt, I continue to kick myself for being such an idiot.

Ah, good times, good times!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

More than Words

A little more than a year ago, I found msyelf speaking to a woman at the mall who had a special needs child. She gave me a lot of tips and advice for speech delays. The one that struck out the most to me was about sign language. She advised me to use it sparingly, lest my daughter resort to it instead of vocal speech. I thought she sounded absolutely right, I would not let Katy take the easy way out.

But recently, Katy has developed quite a good sign language vocabulary (is that even how you say it). Her therapists and I have taught her a few basic words ("eat," "drink," "ouch," "ball," "give me," etc.) I can see Katy's excitement when she can communicate something to me, even if its not via words.

Today, she was watching a baby Einstein video that she hasn't watched in months. Its called "Baby Wordsworth" and it teaches all the basic vocabulary having to do with the house. Whats more, they put a person signing the word as it is spoken, illustrated and written.

Katy was so excited that she litterally tripped over and fell! The people were signing the very same words she already knew. They signed "blanket" and she signed "blanket." They signed "tree" and she signed "tree." She was so wild with excitement that she began to twirl and run through the house as she watched and participated with the video, each time running to me so that I could see that she understood.

I was floored with exitement. Suddenly, my daughter could talk to me! I decided that night to scrap the whole "make her use her voice" plan. Katy has been trapped in herself for long enough, and if she wants to kick off with sign language, so be it.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I know a celebrity, Now you must all bow to my greatness.


Did I ever mention that my dad has been a lifelong friend of the worlds "heaviest man?" His name is Manuel Uribe, and I think he's lost the title of "world's heaviest man" because he's dropped some 3 or 400 pounds. I've been watching all the Discovery channel documentaries on him. They've had quite a focus on him lately. I crack up at the slogan for the "wedding" episode.

"Sometimes love can't be taken lightly."

Clever line. Those jerks...

Actually, my father in law (who is a pastor) was originally going to marry them, but had a last minute change of plans due to a trip. I have to be honest, when I started watching the programs, I was very amused- but halfway through the show, I was deeply touched. This man's character was so sweet, loving and kind that by the time I watched the wedding episode I was in full blown tears.

He has always been a christian, and even though there was no mention of it, you could see it clearly with his attitudes. Even as the media hammered down on him and his every move- he kept his integrity. I don't think I could have behaved half as well under all that media nightmare.

Anyway, watching these discovery shows made me realize just how important I am.

Yes. Me.

I grew up playing in his back yard. I never really talked to him though. While my dad visited him, I played with his dogs. The one I remember the most was a shaggy black haired thing. I think it was an unkept poodle or poodle/mutt. Whatever it was, I loved it. He was the firecracker sort of dog that I have now grown to hate (remind me to tell you about my dog from hell. It was probably that evil creature that turned me off to dogs for good).

Anyway, Meme (that's what we call him. "meme" is short for Manuel) wasn't always fat. In fact, at one point- he and my dad were almost just as plump. Yes, my dad has always been a bit on the pudgy side- and for a while, he and Meme enjoyed food in equally.

But after some years, both of their wives left them. Meme turned to food. Dad turned to cigarettes (thank God). I don't know how Meme let himself get so huge. I think that there must have been a day when he thought

"wait a minute, I haven't gotten up from my bed in days!"

He has gained so much weight that he hasn't been able to walk in years. My dad was helping him by bringing him some nutrition supplements and giving him special massages (ew. I know. I told him).

But all that changed when Discovery channel came along. Suddenly, dad was not allowed to perform any sort of weight loss procedure on Meme (dad has a beauty and weightloss company). The Zone Diet took over, and no one else was allowed to help. There's some sort of contract out there- via "the Zone." Its like they own him or something.

Dad still visits Meme a few times every month, and I hear great reports on his health. Contrary to popular belief, Meme did not become "stinkin" rich from his contract with Discovery. He still lives modestly in his new home, but does enjoy a few medical perks provided Discovery Channel and other staff.

Im rooting for him. I cant wait for him to get up and walk again. Go, Meme!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Makeup 101- vlog

Apparently, Em (from Life, Liberty and the Pursuit) thought that I was good at explaining things, so in the spirit of education I decided to make a tutorial on Makeup.

This is my take on sexy red lips and smokey eyes. That's hot.



Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Zit from Hell

I believe some congratulations are in order. I have just aquired the largest zit know to human kind. I tried to pop it too- which only made it worse. Now I have a gaping wound that says

"Hey! Look over here! I'm the worlds biggest zit!"



Now, I'm not big on zit popping, but I have a husband who cant stand the sight of them. I will be trying to have a casual conversation with him and all of the sudden, his eyes will begin squinting. Suddenly, Im tuned out. Its just him and the zit. He narrows in on it, and even though I may be in mid sentence, he approaches to pop it.


Ew.

I know.

Ew.


But he says that its better to look at a pinched red mark than it is to look at a zit, and Isaac can be quite persistent. I cant tell you how many arguments we've had over the zit popping issue.


Isaac: C'mon, let me just pot it. Its nasty!

me: no, Isaac! Leave it alone.

Isaac: (with his hands on my face, regarldess of my wish) Here. It will be quick.

*excruciating pain ensues*

me: Ow! Ow! Ow! Leave it alone!

Isaac: (continuing) Ive almost got it.... THERE! See? That wasnt so bad! You look better now.



Thats when I grudgingly stomp away to the bathroom mirror so I can see my newly acquired battle wound.

It wasn't the romantic picture I envisioned when him and I were dating, but nine years into our marital union, I have come to learn to "accept" it. I now pop my own pimples before they are ambushed by my night in shining armor.

Isaac will argue that I only tell you about the quirky things that he does, and that I never talk about the strange and horrible things that I do to him. He's right. I don't talk about that. This is my blog. If he wants to tell on me, hes just gonna have to open his own blog.

I do have to be fair to him: he is a better zit popper than I am.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Ten good reasons to procrastinate

I totally dont feel like blogging, but its been a while, so let me amuse you with my top ten reasons to procrastinate:

1.







...let's get back to that another day, shall we? Instead, let me do a tribute to river dancing. Here is a stand off between me and some monkeys. Who does it best?



Tuesday, February 3, 2009

wanna watch us LIVE?

Were kicking off a christian meeting in my house tuesday nights. You can watch our live stream at 8 pm central time, tonight! Check it, yo.

Click HERE for Michelle's rockin stream channel

Monday, February 2, 2009

PKU and us (VLOG)

My husband is embarrased about this video. He thinks its too dorky. I think its fine, so Im posting it.