Last week was a pretty rough one. Katy had developed EXOTROPIA, more commonly known as "lazy eye." She required surgery, and I wont go much into detail. Instead, I'll just let this picture explain what she went through:
A terrible week goes down the john
The surgery was done in San Antonio, and we stayed at my brother in law's house. Three days after the surgery we decided that we had been cooped up long enough. We went to the zoo.
San Antonio in August is not the breeziest of spots. It was scorching. Nevertheless, by the time we arrived home we were exhausted. We spent most of our time sweating and petting the animals at the petting zoo. Too tired to shower, I went to bed smelling like a zoo animal.
The next morning we were scheduled for an appointment with Katy's eye doctor. Once he OKayed her, we would be free to go home. I woke up with plenty of time, so I took the morning slow and easy. After drinking my morning coffee, nature began to call. Isaac had gone before me, and I would have to wait.
As I heard him flush, I picked up a book with useless facts and tidbits to keep me entertained while on the pot (c'mon, you know you do it too). I didnt hear fate chuckle when I read the chapter on "labatory deaths." It seemed interesting enough, and It kept me engaged. I finished up and flushed the toilet.
It was not going down, instead it began to bubble up. I saw my life flash in front of me as the water began to rise. Would it stop? I frantically picked up all my clothes off the floor.
Did I mention I was naked?
I had planned to shower after my morning dump. Now, I stood in the middle of my brother in law's bathroom wearing nothing but my birthday suit as I tried to apease the toilet demons with heartfelt implorations.
But the bubbles continued. Suddenly, the toilet began to erupt, like a volcano- spewing my feces all over a bathroom that did not belong to me. I wrapped myself in a towel and ran to the living room, where my husband chatted with his brother. I poked my head from behind the wall-
"Um. Run. There's an emergency!"
Knowing what a drama queen I can be, my husband paid little heed to my alarm and paced slowly in the direction of the bathroom. The look of horror flashed through his eyes as he peaked into the scene. The toilet had slowed by now, and the discharge was slowly seeping through the sides. I was soaking up as much gunk as I could with a mountain of paper towels. To this moment- I was still wearing nothing but a towel.
"Why now?" I wined "we have to go to the doctor in half an hour and I smell like a zoo!"
"Dont flush. Just get in the shower," Isaac grunted "I'll fix the toilet, " he said as he walked away in disgust.
My husband had just returned from a trip to Asia and Europe. I hadn't seen him for six weeks! This was not the sort of reunion I had dreamed about. Surely I could fix the toilet on my own. It was, after all, my own poop.
I braced myself as I looked into the comode. Eureeka!! The water had gone down. I flushed again, but apparently, this sort of sacrifice did not appeace the toilet demon. He raged much worse than the time before.
E X P L O O O O O D E E E !!!
This was unlike any plumbing violence I had ever witnessed. It surpased my wildest imagination and my worst fears. There was no stopping it. I shouted to Isaac, who came running this time. By the time I saw his face, it was completely devoid of color.
"Did you flush!?" He shouted "Why would you do that?!"
"I was just trying to fix it!" I protested as the toilet continued cascading.
"It was a simple order! You should have done what I said!" he accused
"Well, if you had'nt gone before me-" I stated defensively "your TURD wouldnt have blocked my turd!"
"Mine went down just fine!" he said indignantly as the toilet continued to pour putridness "its your turd that got jamed in there!"
It was a pathetic sight: Reunited husband and naked zoo smelling wife shouting about turds as the toilet exploded. The arguing continued until the toilet ceased spewing. This time, the waters had gone all the way out the bathroom and began to seep into the carpet.
Suddenly, my brother in law made an entrance. Out of nowhere, he had brought an industrial vaccum cleaner and a genius idea.
"Just vaccum up the S#!T and then mop up the floor," he suggested, half gagging as he darted away.
Stinky, sweaty and angry I got dressed, rolled up my pants and got down to buisness. It was teamwork like you've never seen. Wife moping up poop and husband unclogging toilet. It was the epitome of romance, and an outstanding ending to an already stressful week.
And wouldnt you know it, it happened to me.